Achashtranim News Sevice (ANS) SHUSHAN - Secretary of State John Kerry is preparing to return to the Persian Empire to defuse the escalating tensions between the Jews and the Amalekites in that Middle Eastern kingdom.
Secretary Kerry thought that he had a framework agreement hammered out between the two parties, including that Jews should be allowed to live "freely and peacefully in the Empire." But Parshandata, spokesman for the Amalekites, refused this condition, saying "International law is on our side."
"The King specifically passed a decree saying, and I quote, 'to cause to perish, all Jews, both young and old, little children and women, in one day, on the thirteenth day of the twelfth month, which is the month of Adar, and to take the spoil of them for a prey.' The UN and international laws upholds the right of kingdoms to make up their own decrees and to enforce them, This is a local Persian issue and there is no reason for Secretary Kerry to get involved."
Mordechai, a Jewish activist from Shushan, disagrees. "The Amalekites and Agagites are suggesting no less than genocide against an entire people," he said, as he led a small protest outside the King's gates wearing sackcloth and ashes in a media stunt..
Parshandata vehemently denies Mordechai's statement. "There is no such thing as a Jewish people. The idea of Jewish peoplehood is incompatible with the facts of history. They are nothing but criminals, and they have no right to live freely and peacefully."
Mordechai, the Jewish leader, continues to insist this language be included.
Aridata, an Agagite leader and head of the "Brutally Decapitate Semites" (BDS) movement, charged that the Jews were poised to take over the entire kingdom and must be utterly destroyed. While sharpening his sword, he stated, "They already illegally occupy the capital, and many other cities and villages have gathering places where they get together and scheme to dominate everyone else. I hear rumors that there is a Monica Lewinsky situation going on in the King's palace itself, and that the king is being held hostage by a Jewish woman who is blackmailing him!"
Secretary Kerry, not wanting to upset either of the parties in this delicate time for negotiations, and showing frustration that his plan could unravel without an agreement, backtracked on the "live freely and peacefully" condition. He told Congress this week that insisting on the "freely and peacefully" language would be a "mistake for some people to be, you know, raising it again and again as the critical decider." However, in a move that may upset the Amalekites, Kerry insisted that the United States does not want to see the Jews "perish" on the 13th of Adar. "We would strongly protest any mass murder, if it comes to that," Kerry said.
Amnesty International refused to take any sides in the matter. Deborah Hyams, Amnesty researcher on Middle East issues, said, "We are of course against genocide, but the Amalekites have a point when they say that Jews are not a people and killing them all would not constitute 'genocide'. Also, the language of the decree does not sanction mass murder explicitly, but only 'to cause to perish,' which may mean to allow Jews to have the human rights to kill themselves if they so choose.
"We have more important issues to deal with, such as the illegal building of Jewish homes in Judea by the minority who remain there illegally after their alleged Temple was destroyed."
(expanded from an idea by Soccer Dad with his permission)